Takatori Goes to the Zoo
by Pocky King Windy
Summary: Yaoi: Takatori gets six of the best from everyone, on the fateful day he visits the zoo and does something cruel... Not for Takatori Reiji fans! ^^;


Takatori Goes to the Zoo

Disclaimer: These characters belong to Takehito Koyasu © or Project Weiß ©. The fanfiction belongs to me.

Warning: Mild Yaoi hints, extreme silliness in which Takatori suffers undeservingly… Oh, wait, he does deserve suffering after all he's done to our precious Weiß! XD It's also very pointless, and not for Reiji lovers!

Plot Cockroach: I decided to take a breather from romance writings, and it so happened that being insane is a good way to vent our pent up frustration… no, I'm not bashing Reiji, just… man, it could have been any other character, don't you remember what I did to beloved Brad in the _Attack of the Killer Blender_? Farfarello? Schuldig? XD Takatori just made me angry; you won't like me when I'm angry… XD

Pairing: Undefined… hey, hey! It's all around!

Note: The characters look like that from the manga. AU; it's more of a weird, pointless parody than anything else.

_________________

It was a glorious morning! Takatori Reiji decided to go out on a walk for fresh air carrying his hideous face around town to earn a few more votes from his fans. A few more votes nearer to becoming a president… oh, the dream was all too real now! But a boring walk? To prove his authenticity with children, Takatori had a splendid idea.

"I'm going to the zoo, dears!" he told the press, huffing his chest proudly. "So that the children will worship me and have their parents vote for me!"

With that, he set out to the wide, wide world that was out there.

_______________________

"Aya-kun! Please?"

"Please what?" the redhead stared at the brunet, wide-eyed. Lately Omi had been acting strangely. He never finished his sentences and they never seemed complete. Oh well. Puberty. Must've been that blasted Kudou Yohji's influence. He knew he shouldn't have trusted that guy to look after Tsukiyono when he and Ken were out that day.

"Can we go to the zoo? Please? Please?"

"Sure," Aya shrugged. Omi stopped short. Whoa. That was easier than he expected.

"Thanks, Aya-kun! Now dress up! You positively can't be seen wearing that sweater!"

It was Aya's turn to glare at Omi. "When you said 'we', you meant you, Ken, and Kudou. Fujimiya Aya not included in the list. He's busy."

"When I said 'we', I mean Weiß…"

"You meant you, Ken and Kudou," Aya was calm as he slammed the fork on the table a la Queen of Hearts style. "You meant it because I say so, that's why!"

"But… but…" Omi burst into tears. "Mwaaaa! Mummy doesn't love me anymore!"

Aya rolled his eyes to heaven and prayed fervently, tugging at his momiage. He hoped that Ken hadn't heard the commotion. Hey, being the disciplinarian of the family had its advantages and setbacks as well. Uncle Yohji would be so mad to have his favorite nephew bullied by his hot redhead makeshift ma. But he had to do it! Ken was a child-spoiler! When he was done reasoning with himself, Aya looked at Omi, reaching out to pat his head.

"We're going in ten minutes. Wake Kudou, and make sure you finish your homework tonight…"

"YAY! Thanks, Aya-kun!" Omi lunged at the young man, and then he jumped up and proceeded to run up the stairs to trace his makeshift Uncle Yohji, chimney extraordinaire. Aya smacked himself for being a pushover, before he too, got up to get dressed.

"Takatori is going out today," Schuldig turned from his gaze at the television. "Are we gonna play the human shield today or what?"

"We're not," Crawford adjusted his glasses in defiance. "I'm about as done as done with that sex-maniacal attitude of his. How dare he put his filthy grubby hands on Bombay! I foresee the day where I'll personally crush his ribs and plant a C-14 in his lungs and blow it up and ---"

"So, we've officially quit?" Schuldig couldn't believe his luck. Crawford nodded.

"Schwarz, gather round," he commanded. "We're going to the zoo today."

_____________________

The zoo was quite deserted that day. Apparently every kid's parents had heard of Takatori's visit and steered away from taking their children to the zoo. The animals were not very pleased with him either. Each time Takatori passed by their cages, they showed him their butts and farted at his face. On one occasion, he also had been awarded with a flying piece of round red squirrel poop in his mouth.

"Danged squirrel!" he screamed, taking out a gun and shooting the red squirrel in the head.

That was the end of Red-Squirrel-chan, one of the poor innocent victims of Takatori's blind rage. It was only Red-Squirrel-chan's poop, and not him who threw it, but his friend Gray-Squirrel-chan, see. But Takatori didn't check, and had killed Red-Squirrel-chan. What a wicked, maleficent, vehement, sick, filthy spawn of Satan Takatori Reiji was!

Takatori walked along to the monkeys' cages. There, a flying banana hit him on his neck.

"Danged monkey!" he screamed, fishing out his magnum and shooting the old baboon in the head.

And that was the end of Baboon-sama, the Dalai Lama of monkeys of the zoo. He had reached the final stage of karma, raised to the big African Plain in the sky – by a shot. It wasn't Baboon-sama's fault either! How can an old monkey, skinny as sticks, have a 20-20 vision and hit Takatori on his neck with a banana from more than three meters away? An untimely death of an innocent! He shall be avenged!

The monkeys were enraged. They threw all sorts of fruits at their Dalai Lama's murderer.

"Filthy punks!" Takatori gunned them all down, including their keeper, with his AK-47.

"Stop!"

Takatori froze, but not in fear. That voice! Oh, the pretty voice of his favorite prey! He grinned lecherously as he turned to face Weiß standing next to the giraffes' fence-ins, the bouncy Bombay, brave Siberian, sexy Balinese and the elegant Abyssinian.

"Hello, and who are you?" Takatori waggled his brows at the disgusted team.

"Persia's angels," Abyssinian replied, a sledgehammer in one hand, a car wrench in another. "We've come to pay you out for Red-Squirrel-chan, Baboon-sama and the rest of the monkeys that you've murdered in cold blood."

"Oh, no you don't, Barbie doll!" Takatori lifted his AK-47. He was about to shoot when another shot rang out. In shock, Takatori keeled over, gasping like a fish. Weiß looked up to see an Oracle blowing smoke from his shiny magnum.

"Payback time," Mastermind smirked.

"Aiyiyiyiyiyiyiiih! Being ebbil makes Takatori writhe in pain!" Berserker and Mastermind began to pound Takatori, still very much alive, with golf clubs. "Take this! And this! And this again!"

"SHI-NE!" Abyssinian hammered Takatori with the car wrench and sledgehammer. "Ha, ha, ha hah! Suffer pain, Reiji!"

"Die daddy die!" Bombay in turn beat Takatori up with a screwdriver and a foldable chair. Meanwhile Siberian pummeled him with both his fists and an ironing board, as well as a pitchfork he had picked up somewhere in the zoo. Balinese burned Takatori with his cigarette butts.

"Aiih! Aiiggkkkffttt!"

"Mwaha! Pay me chicken feed, will you?" Takatori was gunned continuously in the head while Prodigy telekinetically shoved rotten marshmallows soaked in toxic NYC drain water down his throat.

"By Kyoko, we shall avenge those monkeys!" Takehito slammed a microphone stand into Takatori's head and dented it.

"BURN HIIM! BURRN HIIIIMM!" somebody shrieked from the crowd. They dragged Takatori to the square and set a big bonfire to burn the murderer alive. A frenzy rose amongst the onlookers.

"Off with his balls!"

"The chair! The chair! Give him the chair!"

"Stab him through his ass with a sharp pole!"

"I'm telling you, the balls have to go…"

"BURN! BUUUURN!"

"…We have to make sure the balls are gone!"

"We'll take care of him for once and for all!" Takatori was flung into the fire, wide awake, and burnt until there was nothing left of him, not even his charred remains. When it was all over, the crowd dispersed. Soon the square was deserted and Weiß and Schwarz were left staring each other down.

"Till we meet again, Weiß b*stards except one angel," Oracle set his glasses on firmly, a petulant smirk on his lips.

"Next time, Schwarz morons," Abyssinian sealed it with a glare.

And with that, they left the scene. Once again the dark forces of evil had been curbed, and peace reigned once more, for now.

~*~*~ End ~*~*~

Note: There you are, the pointless fic. I'm so sorry so many animals were killed… ;_; It pains me to kill them! But they'll be fine! They'll be revived! Fwees!


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